I was locked up with a group of convicted thieves and gang members.
I willingly accepted the fact that I was a pervert and hooligan. In those days, I wasn’t aware of my own sexual identity. The pain from my broken ribs gave me a certain surreal sense of redemption and pleasure. I was so ashamed of myself that I craved the physical abuse. In 1985, when I turned sixteen, I was detained by the public security bureau and was eventually sentenced to three years in a reeducation camp for lewd conduct. Then, a few days later, I would start all over. After each beating, I vowed never to do it again. I got caught many times and was severely beaten.
I stole women’s shirts and underwear from stores and wore them at home. I would sometimes peep into the women’s bathhouse and toilets. When I reached puberty, I constantly felt aroused by the female body. I tried to hold hands with boys, but often, they pushed me away. In elementary school, I admired the fact that girls could hold hands with each other when they went window-shopping after school. I instinctively rebelled against this traditional role. Tradition and society have determined that being a boy is to be brave, decisive, and macho. I felt that I was born into the body of a boy by mistake. Liao: Did you feel like a woman when you were a little boy? In many ways, the desire and the need to hold on to each other is like a religion in our community and has been encoded in our genes. For me, it is essential for two vulnerable human beings to hold on to each other and find strength in each other. Ni: For gay people, their love begins with mutual sympathy. Liao: No, I want to write about you because I’m very sympathetic to the situation facing gay people in China, and I want more people to know about and understand the community. This is a public place anyway.Īnyhow, why do you want to interview me? Do you feel sorry for me? I won’t force you to kiss me or do anything. At this very moment, I don’t feel any part of me is male. Do I look like a woman? I don’t have a single trace of a man’s look. Now, hold my hands and look me in the eye. Of course, we always welcome new friends to join us. Nowadays, the police pretty much leave us alone. All we have is a place where gay people meet regularly. Ni Dongxue: Please don’t use the word “club.” Unlike the West, we don’t have any openly gay clubs in China. I’m really impressed with the atmosphere inside this club. Classical music wafts through the air, blending nicely with the dimly lit surroundings. I don’t hear any disco music or see any rowdy dancers. I don’t see anyone posted outside to watch for police. I have to admit it is not as secretive and mysterious as I expected. I used to hear so much about these underground gay bars. According to the owner, Ni is known within the circle for his prettiness and his knowledge of and outspokenness about gay issues. He said he visited the place every week to socialize with his friends and fans. Ni wore heavy makeup and a bright yellow shirt. A pioneer and recognized leader in Chengdu’s gay community, the then-thirty-six-year-old Ni graduated from Beijing Teachers’ University with a master’s degree in psychology. The bar is located in the city’s Moziqiao region, a popular nightlife spot. I met Ni Dongxue in 2006, in a quiet and nicely decorated gay bar through two musician friends who played in a band there.